Freedom To Be

Posted: 11/1/2006

A wise teacher once told me that there is nothing "wrong" with me.  What a concept!  In my life I have been made to feel wrong about certain actions, thoughts, and words.  I believed I was "bad" for doing and/or not doing what others have wanted me to do.  I simply didn't trust myself enough to know that what I was doing on my own was part of Who I Am.  Well, I'm still in the eternal process of finding out what it means to be me...There's a lot of past stuff to look at and learn from.  However, I can choose to suffer or choose to be free based on how I feel about that stuff.  Maybe I didn't fulfill someone else's expectations, or failed to behave a certain way.  Perhaps I said something I regretted later.  I'm sure at some point I even disappointed someone (myself included).  So I get presented with the opportunity to either heal or suffer.  The only suffering I have to deal with is the emotional baggage I've held onto because I never forgave myself for my past "mistakes."  It's been much easier for me to blame other people for my discomfort.  It's been typical for me to want to complain about how things aren't going my way.  It's been more satisfying to my ego to sit in judgment about something I've done or said than to realize that I did the best I could in every situation, that everyone involved did their best.  Another teacher of mine said, "You can be right or you can be free, but you can't be both."  (Darn!)  Another ego slam.  It screams, "I have to be right!  I know what's best!  I couldn't possibly let this go!"  What I'm learning is that beating myself up for the past heals nothing- in fact, it feels like a torturous mental prison that I finely constructed with my own thoughts.  The very cells of my body have that information stored so deeply that it feels 'normal.'  Honey, that is far from normal!  I would be willing to believe that there is no justice in martyrdom.  It's the same thing as killing a great idea!  How many of those have I swept under the rug because I let others' criticism overrule my own guidance?!  It'd certainly be something to rediscover.  It's obviously another chance at practicing forgiveness.  It is absolutely my own work to do, and the only way to do it is to move through it.  'It' being my fear of being authentic and real.  Did you ever read the book, "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck?  The first line is, "Life is difficult."  He says that once we accept that life is difficult, then it becomes no longer difficult.  And I say, "What-Is IS."  It may change form, but I still get to choose my experience around it.  The lesson for me right now is to be kind and compassionate to myself and others, to accept myself as I am and others as they are, and to keep reminding myself that every 'mistake' I've ever made brought me to this moment and I'm still here.  My intention is to be truly free, to be truly me.  Free To Be Me.  So I Am.  So be It.