Behaving Boldly

Posted: 3/3/2008

As I sit here in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency in Kansas City, I'm struck by the title of the 2008 United Centers for Spiritual Living Conference, "Behaving Boldly."  I decided that I was going to volunteer for this conference back in December, so here I sit.  Two people walking by have already made sarcastic comments about me being on the internet.(I think they are headed to the bar!)  And there are four other people around me working on their computers...But I heard an amazing gospel choir this evening with Bishop Carlton Pearson, who empowered everyone in the room.  I was inspired by his message too, because he talked about how "in losing everything you actually find yourself."  Hearing that reminds me of what went down last September when I left Chicago, leaving the church music director position I held, leaving my life in Chicago and all that went with it.  Ironically, I had seemingly "lost" myself in this music director job for the past 2 years, telling myself that "they couldn't do this without me," "I'm the only one who can do this job/they need me," etc.  I was truly fooling myself with the ranks of my ego, which I recognize as the fear of not being wanted- all the while laced with guilt that went back to when I learned it through another religious teaching.  What I found out about myself through the recent experience of leaving my Chicago spiritual community, is that for the next two months (which were spent in KY) I needed to admit to myself that I wasn't living in integrity with my Spirit.  I had been ignoring myself, pretending that it was my duty to give all of my energy to this church, which I had been doing.  I got sucked into an idea that I made up that I "had" to stay at this church (they NEEDED me, after all!).  Seeing how I was connecting church with guilt, removing myself from that situation was the best thing for me.  I become aware of the feelings that come up when I think about my part in creating for myself what I did, and I now know that I am not going to "find" myself in a church.  Though I am grateful for the lesson, I must affirm now that Who I am has always been there, right here, with me all the time.  I'm paying attention.  I'm behaving differently.  I'm behaving boldly.  You're looking at it.  So it is.